Im listening.. alarm too deafening to ignore!

ok ok , Im listening!
I now fully recognise and acknowledge that I have foolishly compromised my quality of life for years trying to attend work, for the fear of loosing my job- to the extent that I have relinquished ALL leisure activities on my non -working days just to make sure I recovered enough and was fit for work,. I just CANT do that any longer.

After six years of continous struggle with severe back pain and full body spasms after a injury to my back .After numerous surgical interventions and many unsuccessful phases of phased return to work I was forced to reduce my working contact to three days a week, over three years ago .
I foolishly struggled to maintain this reduced 3 day a week contract for three long years , spending my non-working time recovering form the effects of working and severely curtailing leaisure activities in order to be “ok” for work.

After further failed surgical interventions and unsuccessful phases of phased return to work and a diagnosis of MS , I was not even managing 3hrs 3 days a week. It was at a point that I had to STOP trying to struggle into work three months ago and have been off sick since then.

I have foolishly compromised my quality of life for years trying to attend work, for the fear of loosing my job- to the extent that I have relinquished ALL leisure activities on my non -working days just to make sure I recovered enough and was fit for work,. I just CANT do that any longer.

have meant I have been unable to carry out many normal day-to-day activities.
I am no longer able to enjoy many leisure activities and I have had to make changes to my career path and reduce my working hours. Work involving standing has proved impossible resulting in change in role involving desk duties. Sitting for too long also triggers my back spasms.

Over the years I have put my commitment to work as the overriding priority.
Since 2003 have struggled to maintain a reduced working commitment of 23 hrs by severely limiting leisure activities for the fear of being unable to attend work. Latterly I spent my non-working days purely recovering in order to be well enough.
As a result my physical, emotional and spiritual standard of living has been seriously affected and diminished…from not being able to learn to drive, do my gardening, walk my dog to carrying out any activities that involve sitting or standing for too long.
Day-to –day activities that I took for granted when I was fit and healthy eg, ironing, washing up and cooking a meal are now an enormous struggle and have been neglected on order to preserve my physical status in order to work.

A more recent decline in my health due to the further deterioration of my back condition and the combination MS symptoms has meant that gradual return to my working 23hrs a week has not been possible.
And at the last point of the return to work programme a vastly reduced 3-4 hours daily over 3 working days is not attainable*
The day-to-day variability of my physical capabilities has meant frequent absences from work.
When I could get to into work I struggle through my working hrs* knowing that I would most probably be laid up at the end of the working day retiring to bed taking medications, unable to get myself a meal and take basic care of myself.
With a dual diagnosis and combined symptoms I am experiencing due to MS and back condition there is no further scope for compromising my quality of life and self care. I have realise that I have reached a point where I need to prioritise managing my health conditions and maintenance of my health above all else.

" But you dont look sick"- The spoon Theory

"But You Don't Look Sick"....Taken from PatientsLikeMe.com


My best friend and I were in the diner talking.
As usual, it was very late and we were eating French Fries with gravy.
Like normal girls our age, we spend a lot of time in the diner while in college, and most of the time we spent talking about boys, music or trivial things, that seemed very important at the time.
We never got serious about anything in particular and spend most of our time laughing.
As I went to take some of my vitamins with a snack as I usually did, she watched me this time with a kind of start, instead of continuing the conversation. She then asked me out of the blue what it felt like to have MS and be sick.
I was shocked, not only because she asked the random question but also, I assumed she knew all there was to know about MS.
She had come to the doctors with me, seen me getting MRI's, she saw me stumble on sidewalks and have to sit down at a concert.
She carried me out when I couldn't walk another step, what else was there to know?
I started to ramble on about the vitamins and the changes but she didn't seem satisfied with my answers. I was a little surprised as being my roommate and friend for years; I thought she already knew the medical definition of MS.
Then she looked at me with a face every sick person knows well, the face of pure curiosity about something no healthy person can truly understand. She asked what it felt like, not physically, but what it felt like to me...having MS.
As I tried to gain my composure, I glanced around the table for help or guidance, or at least a stall. I was trying to find the right words.
How do I answer a question I never was able to answer for myself?
How do I explain every detail of every day being effected, and give the emotions a person with MS goes through every day with clarity?
I could have given up and cracked a joke like I usually do, and changed the subject, but I remember thinking if I don't try to explain this, how could I ever expect her to understand?
If I can't explain this to my best friend, how could I explain my world to anyone else?
I had to at least try.
At that moment, the spoon theory was born. I quickly grabbed every spoon on the table; hell I grabbed spoons off of the other tables.
I looked her in the eyes and said, " Here you go, you have MS."
She looked at me slightly confused, as anyone would when they are being handed a bouquet of spoons.
The cold metal spoons clanked together as I shoved them into her hands.
I explained that the difference between having MS and being healthy is having to make choices, or to think consciously about things when the rest of the world doesn't have to.
The healthy have the luxury of choice, a gift most people take for granted.
Most people start the day with an unlimited amount of possibilities, and energy to do whatever they desire, especially young people. For the most part, they do not need to worry about the effects their actions will have. So for my explanation, I used spoons to convey this point.
I wanted something for her to actually hold, for me to take away, since most people who get MS feel the "loss" of a life they once knew.
If I was in control of taking away the spoons, then she would know what it feels like to have someone or something else, in this case MS, in control.
She grabbed the spoons with excitement. She didn't understand what I was doing, but she is always up for a good time. Little did she know how serious the game would become.
I asked her to count the spoons. She asked why, and I explained that the spoons represented units of energy and when you are healthy you expect to have a never-ending supply of spoons.
But when you have MS and you have to plan your day, you need to know exactly how many spoons you are starting with. It doesn't guarantee you might not lose some along the way, but at least it helps to know where you are starting. She counted out 12 spoons. She laughed and said she wanted more. I said no, and I knew right away that this little game would work, when she looked disappointed, and we hadn't even started the game yet.
I've wanted more spoons for years and haven't found a way yet to get more, why should she? I also told her to always be conscious of how many she had, and not to drop them because she can never forget she has MS.
I asked her to list off her day, including the most simple tasks. As she rattled off daily chores, or just fun things to do I explained how each one would cost her a spoon.
When she jumped right into getting ready for work as her first task of the morning, I cut her off and took away a spoon.
I practically jumped down her throat. I said, "no, you don't just get up.
You have to crack your eyes open and then realize you are late. You didn't sleep well the night before. You have to crawl out of bed, and you have to make yourself something to eat before you do anything else because you have to take your vitamins and have energy for the day and if not you might as well give up on spoons for the whole day!"
I quickly took away a spoon and she realized she hasn't even gotten dressed yet.
Showering cost her another spoon, just washing her hair and shaving her legs.
Reaching too high or low, or having the shower water too hot and choosing to blow dry her hair would have cost more than one spoon but I didn't want to scare her too much in the beginning.
Getting dressed is worth another spoon. I stopped her and broke down every task to show her how every detail needs to be thought about. You have to see what clothes you can physically put on, what shoes are going to be appropriate for the days walking requirements, if pain or spacticity is a problem, buttons are out. If I have bruising from my medication, long sleeves might be in order.
You cannot simply throw clothes on when you have MS...its just not that easy.
I think she started to understand when she theoretically didn't even get to work yet and she was left with 6 spoons. I then explained to her that she needed to choose the rest of her day wisely, since when your spoons are gone, they are gone.
Sometimes you can borrow against tomorrow's spoons but just think how hard tomorrow will be with less spoons.
I also needed to explain that a person who has MS lives with the looming thought that tomorrow may be the day that a fever comes, or an infection, or any number of things that could prove disabling.
So you do not want to run low on spoons, because you never know when you truly will need them. I didn't want to depress her, but I needed to be realistic, and unfortunately being prepared for the worst is part of the real day for me.
We went through the rest of the day, and she slowly learned that skipping lunch would cost her a spoon, as well as standing on a train, or even typing on her computer for too long.
She was forced to make choices and to think about things differently.
Hypothetically, she had to choose not to run errands, so that she could eat dinner that night.
When we got to the end of her pretend day, she said she was hungry.
I summarized that she had to eat dinner but she only had two spoons left.
If she cooked, she wouldn't have enough energy to clean the pots.
If she went out to dinner, she might be too tired to drive home safely without having blurred vision or forgetting to turn her lights on. So she decided to make soup, it was easy.
I then said it is only 7pm, you have the rest of the night but maybe end up with one spoon, so you can do something fun, or clean your apartment, or do chores but you can't do it all.
I rarely see her emotional, so when I saw her upset I knew maybe I was getting through to her. I didn't want my friend to be upset, but at the same time I was happy to think maybe finally someone understood me a little bit.
She had tears in her eyes and asked quietly, "Christine, how do you do it? Do you really do this everyday?"
I answered that some days were worse than others , some days I have more spoons than most. But I can never make it go away and I can't ever for a minute forget about it, I always have to think about it.
I handed her a spoon I had been holding on reserve. I said simply, "I have learned to live life with an extra spoon in my pocket, in reserve, you need to always be prepared."
It's hard, the hardest thing I ever had to learn is to slow down, and not to do everything.
I fight this very day. I hate feeling left out, having to choose to stay home, or to not get things done that I want to.
I wanted her to feel the frustration.
I wanted her to understand that everything everyone else does comes so easy, but for me it is one hundred little jobs in one.
I need to think about the weather and my own body before I can attack any one thing.
When other people can simply do things, I have to attack it and make a plan like I am strategizing a war.
It is in that lifestyle, the difference between having a chronic illness and being healthy.
It is the beautiful ability to not think and just do. I miss that freedom.
I miss never having to count my spoons.
After we were emotional and talked about this for a while longer, I sensed she was sad.
Maybe she finally understood. Maybe she realized that she never could truly and honestly say she understands.
But at least now she might not complain so much when I can't go out for dinner some nights, or when I never seem to make it to her house and she always has to drive to mine.
I gave her a hug and we walked out of the diner. I had one spoon in my hand and I said, "Don't worry.
I see this as a blessing. I have been forced to think about everything I do.
Do you know how many spoons people waste every day?
I don't have room to waste them, and I choose to spend this time with you."
Ever since this night, I have used the spoon theory to explain my life to many people.
In fact, my family and friends refer to spoons all the time. It has been a code word for what I can and cannot do.
Once people understand the spoon theory they seem to understand me better, but I also think they look at their own life a little differently. I think it isn't just good for understanding MS, but anyone dealing with any disability or illness.
Hopefully, they don't take so much for granted or their life in general.
I give a piece of myself, in every sense of the words, every time I do anything. It has become an inside joke.
I have become famous for saying to people jokingly that they should feel special when I spend time with them, because they have one of my spoons.

Taken from PatientsLikeMe.com

A True friend's Truth

I now find myself trying to review my situation and decide the path i need to take, whilst weighing up impending redundancy and the possibility of ill health retirement .

So i need reflect on how I have been struggling for the last 12+ years with my health conditions and how they have affected me . Its time for a wake up call! why the alarm hasnt gone off way before now is a shocking mystery!

Whilst wading my way through the Disability living allowance form, trying to remember all the thousand of adjstments i have made over the years to try and cope with day to day activities and how my disabilities affect all areas of my life- I struggled .

I stuggled- not only to remember what i have intergrated into my life as a way of coping, but also what i have had to give up totally in the way of leisure activitiesand the impact on my quality of life.

Thousand of both huge and tiny adjustments. But also with the emotions that are raised whilst filling in this monstrous beaurocratic form that makes war and peace look like a beano comic.

I have tried several times over the years to fill in this form, each time not completing it. It was just too hard for me to reflect on the effects of my health had on my life.

May be had i managed to fill it in the realisation of the impact would have been fully realised by me and i would have had my wakeup call far earlier, and who knows maybe i would have found that my strong work ethic would have been touched into reality and i would have taken a different path by now.

But there is no point in reflecting on what ifs.. im here now .

I will return and write a more positive and encouraging guide to tackling the DLA monster, when I have managed it- I promise!

As a part of my process i decided to take a difficult step for me, to ask a very dear friend who has known me before and throughout my stuggles with ill health to help me reflect.

To give me her truth of how she has seen what i have been through.

As a way of helping me face up to things and to put it all into perspective, push me through denial i guess. And empower me to make to take the diection that would be best for me.

"Friends are kisses blown to us by angels"

This is what she wrote :

I have grown to know and love you since we were 17/18.

We seem to have been bonded together by a mutually deep emotional, intellectual, spiritual, philosophical understanding of life (as well as Annie Lennox of course before either of us really truly understood what sexuality was even!)

From our shared experiences and time spent over twenty years, particularly the weekly hours together after your therapy sessions after your back first went at work, I feel hopeful to give reflection to you which may help support you on this leg of your life journey. Of course… let’s talk if anything is not understood or just needs clarity.

You have always sought the depths of the human situation and given particular attention to its detail. I have always tried to reflect my truth (albeit from my own biases and love for you as a friend) and offer a fair and real mirror in which you can trust and share your self / feelings in order for us to try to excavate any issues or worries which have challenged any of your predispositions.

The main predisposition I speak of, as I see it, has generally been of you carrying a damaged self worth and an equivalent fear for sharing safely your true feelings in a hard edged masculine world.

This damaged self worth is a big part of why I love and respect you. I believe it has particularly equipped you with an earnest strength and drive to work, play and relate to the world around you with nothing but the highest of integrity. A challenge for you has been to work out how to do that at your own pace in a world that spins much faster than you with nowhere near the attention to detail or care to even stop and see it.

I believe your essential need to thoroughly research and understand something, before you offer an intelligent appraisal of fact, offer your opinion or make a decision, has been driven by your integrity and need / search for safety. It is in a way your science and consequently why you are good at your science and hence your chosen occupation!

As far as your career/back is concerned… I have watched you struggle to work out how to maintain your earnest, committed, conscientious approach to your employers (beyond the stretch or care of most people) with a confusing, debilitating, intermittent but relentless back pain, the origins of which have been rudely denied you and the solution to which seems to have flummoxed most medical practitioners.

This constant tightrope walking has seriously affected and diminished your physical standard of living (from not being able to do your gardening or walk your dog or learn to drive or sit for too long or stand up straight or move let alone the need to at times pee in a potty) and subsequently your emotional responses to such restrictions (shock, upset, confusion, acceptance and accommodation of fact let alone the fact that you have never truly been able to switch your mind off from it – it has been a constant for 15 or so years and it looks possible to be a constant for the rest of your life. The added MS diagnosis is I would imagine most unlikely to help the situation).

Despite juggling the stark reality of the physical and emotional compromise to your life with a multitude of brain fogging drugs, pain killers and physicians, you have somehow managed to keep your job, maintain your integrity to it and your employers and I’ve not doubt pulled off an excellent standard of work that you yourself have been satisfied with!
At every turn it seems to me that you have tried your utmost to stay financially independent though your back has seriously jeopardized this wish.

You have offered your work place realistic suggestions and respectful professional conduct in order to maintain your job, your self esteem and their needs of you as an employee as well as the human right to have a roof over your head (reduced hours, practical measures and changes for H&S in the work place, clear communication of your needs following all their stipulations and regulations when in the first instance of your back going they did not follow them themselves! – procedure was neglected)
You pioneered a new role when your original position for which you were trained became too untenable – with the height of the laboratory surfaces and the pain you were suffering, with the need to constantly try to move in order not to aggravate the pain or come to the point that you need to leave work early.

Though I understand also that it’s always been tricky to know what would be good for your back and what wouldn’t – it’s been so unpleasantly unpredictable. After a certain amount of time you generally have worked out what’s manageable in order to offer you at least a certain quality of life that you can’t compromise further on (I would wager that most people would have drawn their line way before you’ve been able to state yours) Your confidence in your deductions has always been undermined by a fear of something. It seems to me that you have always put your commitment to your work as the priority over the consequence to your back. You would go to work, struggle through knowing that you would probably be laid up the next day – but that’s not so bad coz it’s a day where you don’t have to be in at work! Your assumed position has always seemed to be a compromise to your free time.

You have stretched yourself so far to try to accommodate the unfortunate situation that the turn of phrase ‘break one’s back’ certainly and eerily springs to mind.

At some point on this whole journey you have reached the need to offer the earnest, committed and conscientious approach you have shown to your work - to your self, your back and your health. The ultimate challenge I’m guessing now might be to find trust and strength in your own feelings on the matter and assert what’s best for you when all those around you are pushing their own agenda whilst talking from an unemotional standpoint. A stand point which they take for granted because they can run upstairs, they can make love when they like and in whatever position they like, they can play sport, they can act without a constant compromise of movement.

As I always have, I urge you to muster the energy you can to get what you need here, what your body needs, to ask for what in your heart feels like a fair outcome to your years of pain and mental anguish. You are entitled to ask for what is best and fair for the management of your continued back issues and I believe you have researched the issue thoroughly by now to know what would be that ‘best’ outcome. I’m not suggesting you in any way ‘give up’ anything. In fact I think you may be pleasantly surprised that ‘letting go’ of your current idea of what work is will only lead to big, better and beautiful doors opening up for you. You have held the stress of the struggle for years. I can imagine your body giving a huge sigh of relief in the knowledge that it may be given the time to do what it needs rather than holding itself together in order to fulfill what everyone else demands of it.

You have secured a roof over your head.
You have a gorgeous loving caring partner and stable relationship.
You have an amazingly creative and spiritual streak just waiting around the corner to be given the time, energy and focus it rightfully deserves.I send you my love and strength for the best outcome you see, feel and deduce ‘fit’ having done your thorough research, lived with the experience of a continual unnerving back pain for so long and borne all the intricacy of personal attention to detail in mind. I trust your judgement. You are worth it. I urge and support you to be unafraid in asking / telling others what you need.

For such precious friendship I am truely blessed.

The alarm is now deafening.. Namaste and thankyou x

"A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails"

frustation....

looks like im going to have to explore the possibility of ill health retirement.( combination of my two conditions)

My occ health hasnt thrown it out, and is happy to put together a report and i will need to contact other medical experts for their statements on my health.

Sadly my gp, whom i had an excellent relationship with, who knew me well and my health issues is no longer a practicing GP ( This has actually shaken as much as anything, she has been supportive for many years and always repected my approach and participation in my own healthcare).

Going to book a double appt with my new doctor to get her up to speed and also chat about the way i like to work with a GP. my old GP was a one off , so im not expecting this one to meet her standards . so now im left with a doctor who .. has no sense of me or the adjustments i have made over the last 8 yrs with work etc just the records to go on .And a consultant (Neuro) who has seen me once to give me the MS diagnosis, but who doesnt know any of my symptoms.

The nature of the MS beast ( symptoms comming and going) and the inaccessability of seeing a consultant , means that he cant possibly be up to speed .
so im wondering what exactly is the role of a ms nurse? And if it is worth seeing her on a regular basis to keep her informed with my health ? I wonder if there a way of her to relay the information to the neuro consultant, so if he is called upon for a report he will actually know a bit about me and what im dealing with?

sorry for the downer post , im feeling overwhelmed with it all and kind of stranded with health professionals that will have so much influence in and ill health retirement decisions , yet they dont fuly realise the impact of what i am been dealing with and its hard for me to find the opportunity that information accross.

Please dont...

PLEASE DON'T…

Don't assume because I look well

That I feel well.

Looks can be very deceiving.

Many days I look great but I feel terrible.
Don't ask me how I feel unless you really want to know.

You may heara lot more than you are prepared to listen to.
Don't tell me you know how I feel.
No-one knows how anyone else feels.
Two people with the same disease may feel totally different.
Don't tell me about your Aunt Gertrude
And her MS and how well she managed in spite of it.

I am not Aunt Gertrude and I'm doing my best.
Don't tell me" It could be worse."

Yes, it could be ,but I don't need to be reminded.
Don't decide what I am capable of doing.
Allow ME to decide what activities I can do.
There may be times I make the wrong

Decision, and if I do I'll know it soon enough.
Don't be upset that I cannot ease my problems.

It won't do any good for any of us to be miserable.
Don't assume that because I did a certain activity yesterday
that I can do it again today.
MS is ever changing.

Do realise that I am Angry and
frustrated with the disease -
NOT WITH YOU

Its been a strange day.. is it really only 10 past 9.- feel like 12.00pm
totally disorientated with time, guess thats because ive been up and back to bed three times today. think the anaesthetic / antiinflamm dr pumped into me around the areas he was rummaging in my back with the needle , is wearing off, its much worse today .
just been looking through redundancy calculations ( i know i should be resting , but i feel i need to do some more for my peice of mind to help move things on a bit )

To clarify on previous posts ,as I work for a large multinational company( yes it does rub on my ethics) , redundancy would be more than the Statutory package.
just done some rough redundancy calculations doesnt make things much clearer in the way of which outcome ,ill health retirement or redundancy would be better for me.
lots of people have said they think ill heath retirement would be better package, but need to find out what that would look like.
On the redundancy side the difference between calculating the whole of my 14 yrs service on my current parttime salary and prorata (10 yrs full + 4yrs reduced hrs) is £14,402 . quite a difference (big difference to me, its not much to such a large company though) cant really let that slip by without challenging .. got to pass those figures to the union now i guess there is a consultation process happening at the moment , and i know others in different circumstances are raising this. even if it gets thrown out , i think my circumstances are exceptional as i was forced to reduce my hrs due to ill health.
still no joy finding out what ill health retirement pension would look like.

Still pausing at the fork in the road..gathering information

Operation cancelled

Today I was expecting to go for more surgery on my back ( factet joint denervation... again!) at 1.00pm today ( the last lot didnt work )
I just got a phone call from my consultants secretary to say that it has been cancelled because they cannot get the nursing staff together! bare in mind this is a private hospital, ( a perk of selling your soul to a multinational company).... my consultants sec is outraged that the hospital cancelled on the day.have another hospital appointment for this sunday.
I havent eaten since 7.00pm late night, , which i will pay for MS fatigue wise ,slept hardly at all and am tense as hell muscle wise which exacerbates my back pain.
Ive now got to explain to work why im not going in work today instead of going to hospital, which is probably what they will expect of me,but im in no fit state.I am on restricted hrs atm ( 3-4hrs ,3 days per week).
Got to make the phone call now which im dreading . im not sure how i feel atm.. but i do know i could really do without all the liasing im having to do with works occ health dept atm, just want to concentrate on of getting out of pain.
what im finding the hardest is to just concentrate on my health, there are so many work issues at the moment .

Feeling decidedly dodgy atm. Ms symptoms are doing my head in, there isn’t one day the same, the ms fatigue is really hard to deal with , and its rare to enjoy a long walk with willow recently as im either in pain or exhausted. I would have never believed that even going up the stairs or popping to the shops could wipe me out enough to need to sleep. At night I wake with numb arms and cramp in my legs and this is in addition to my back condition.

Im suffering cognitive problems too, which may or maynot be to do with the MS, as stress and depression guess cause wont be helping. But it’s scary when your brain won’t do what it used to do. I find it much harder to cope with than the physical stuff.
On the horizon in the next couple of months is the grand-housing conundrum, which I wont go into as its far too complicated, but it may well mean trying to coordinate the selling of three properties to buy two. How stressful it that chain going to be!

Finally after two years of threatened redundancy, we have been told that 400 jobs are going and 20 will remain. (Needless to say there isn’t a chance that I will be one of those 20) That’s fine, im trying to see it as an opportunity to do something different although my health isn’t going to allow me to work in any “proper job”.
As for redundancy, as i may have said before ( sorry)I had to go to reduced hrs about 3 yrs ago because of ill health and despite having worked for this company for 14 yrs in total (i.e. 11 yrs full time), they want to calculate my redundancy on my current salary. Which seems really unfair, it isn’t as though I left to have a child and decided to reduce my hrs because I could afford to, but because I was forced to do so due to ill health. So I’m going to have to try and negotiate a prorata basis for the redundancy, taking into account the 11yrs full service. My boss has asked me on several occasions if I could return to full time but am not physically able to, had I been able to, if I had done so for a few months when we were initially told there would be redundancies on the horizon, I would have redundancy calculated on 14yrs full time.
In fact I know people who did just that. But they could play that shrewd move because they don’t have the health problems I have. It sucks!
I don’t really have the energy to negotiate it, but I can’t leave it. Also Theres a possibility for ill health retirement, no guarantee, supposedly the only time it’s guaranteed is if you are terminally ill. but occ health said they will put a report together if I want them to as I have two chronic conditions
Thing is getting an idea of what that package might look like in comparison to the redundancy. what a mess.. its so hard to discretly get the information in order to work out which is the best option to go for . I don’t want to suddenly find I have been steam-rolled down the the ill health road, if its not the right thing for me to do. I don’t know about pensions and stuff, it’s a logistical nightmare! And im too exhausted to deal with it all. I cant believe im posting this, im not one for airing my problems so publicly and I usually play things down and seem to be coping, but im having a really hard time and I really don’t know how im going to deal with it all.
I guess this is what i started this blog for, a journal for me to express my emotions , and to offer others something. Im hoping i can be a bit more positive soon and offer more than my emotional ramblings.
For now i should just be conentrating on my imminent op, but my head is a whirling and im not supposed to get stressed as i can bring on an ms episode and exacerbate my existing ones!